I look at dealing with polygyny as I do with any other act of ibadah. As muslims we are constantly supposed to be striving to perfect our ibadah of Allah, all aspects of it, whether it is perfecting our salaat, perfecting our 'ilm of this deen, perfecting our abilities in being a daeeya, perfecting being a righteous and pious wife and mother, etc. We should never get to a point with anything in this deen where we say "I have done enough. I am perfect in this."

A'udhibillah from falling into such transgression. We can never "do enough" for Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala. There is always more to do, we can always do better. Hence, every act of ibadah we do is a process of growth, of striving to excel and do better. This includes dealing with polygyny which is a sub category of being a righteous and pious wife which is a sub category of being a righteous and pious servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala.

And as we know, this life is filled with trials and tests, some we excel in and some we falter in, but all we should ultimately proceed from striving to be better Muslims insha'Allah. All of that being said...when I first found out about my husband taking another wife i was...devastated. not about him taking another wife, wallaahi, I had dealt with any hang-ups i may have had about polygyny way before I even met my husband alhamdulillah. I actually, upon getting to know my husband prior to marriage, anticipated that he would take another wife eventually in our marriage because of his nature in always wanting to help someone and because I felt that Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala had blessed him with such humbleness and compassion that I just knew he could be of benefit to so many people, including another wife.

We had talked about polygyny numerous times before we got married and after and he always assured me that it was not a path he was considering, that I was all he needed, that if it did happen most likely it would be from me suggesting he help some sister in need, etc. etc. My devastation therefore stemmed, not from any dislike of polygyny itself, but from misunderstandings I  had about my co-wife, as well as unrelated animosity and resentment I had towards my husband. later on, as I began to deal with things, I came to realize that this was merely my insecurities speaking and me feeling like my husband was displeased with me and so he was marrying her. but when you're in the beginning of things, you're not trying to do any self-assessment. you're too busy assessing everyone else. With all of that being said, my getting through it all was totally due to Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala. I take no credit, none whatsoever. I was devastated for about a week and then came the clarity. Then came the wisdom. Then came me really looking at the situation for what it could be. Because really the way you deal with your husband taking a second wife is all about perspective, it's about how you're looking at it. if you're looking at it as taking something away from you (i.e. your husband), as your husband being displeased with you, as you being inadequate, you, you, you, then you're bound to be in a state of devastation, denial, rejection for awhile. and may Allah remove this from the hearts of any of my sisters that are going through this or will go through this.

However, I began to look at it differently. For starters, polygyny can be yet another means of you obtaining the baraka of Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala. Even just you struggling with your emotions, with your jealousy and striving to overcome the emotional trials that you place upon yourself (for truly that's what it is, at least in the beginning) and fully accept the situation insha'Allah you will receive reward from Allah. Really, ultimately, my smooth transition was totally about me trusting in the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala and viewing polygyny as a means for me to obtain baraka. If my husband was going to do this than I was going to use it as another means to me seeking the pleasure of Allah. I was going to be helpful to him, cooperative, and I was even going to offer support to the sister if she so wished, to accept it, because in the end, all our actions should be for the sake of Allah.

When we do things we should be thinking, "Now, is this going to draw the pleasure of Allah or His anger?" and "is this going to be something that will get me to Jannah insha'Allah?" Again, it's all about perspective. If you're looking at polygyny purely from a dunya, my husband is MINE perspective, you're truly missing the point of this life which is to worship Allah subahanhu wa ta^ala in a manner that will gain you that ultimate reward, Jannah. which is connected to another thing and that is that, you're husband is not yours; he is merely a loan from Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala in this life and insha'Allah in the next and you are not the true possessor of anything.

Before I end I do also want to say that in addition to my own self reflection coping strategies, I was blessed to have wonderful muslimahs in my life that gave me the most beautiful naseehah and support throughout the entire process and constantly reminded me of Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala. I made sure that whoever i confided in, I knew they would be honest, sincere, and would stick to Qur'aan and Sunnah. Not baseless opinion, assumption, and conjecture. I didn't call someone that i knew would fuel the fire that shaytaan was trying to light.

I also alhamdulillah, was open with my husband about my feelings, fears, desires, needs. This is perhaps one of the most important things, don't shut your husband out and don't let him shut you out. I'm telling you, this whole situation has brought me and my husband closer and that is because I was honest with him from the beginning and I continue to be. You know, he said something to me around the time that I first found out, when I was in rebellion mode and was on that, "Well, I'm going to stay with you and fulfill your rights as my husband, but that's about it. nothing more nothing less." We got into a discussion of how some sisters, in dealing with their husband taking on another wife fall into the role of merely "functioning" in the marriage. It's like, they're not there because they want to be; they're just there to play a role. And so, my husband said to me, "you can either be A WIFE, or you can be THE WIFE."

Over time i have come to realize that polygyny is a means for us to be the ultimate wife, but not only that, the ultimate companion for our husband. You want to strive to be as beloved to your husband as Aisha radee Allahu 'anhaa was to Rasulullah ( sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam). She was more beloved to him than all her other co-wives. Competition with your co-wife is not a bad thing. in fact I would say it's inevitable. However, make sure you compete in those things that are pleasing to Allah and that will gain His pleasure. Compete in being a better Muslimah, in perfecting your eeman. Compete in those things that will gain both the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the pleasure of your husband.

Use polygyny to your advantage. and see it as an honor to be chosen by the Will of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to be in a plural marriage. The best of women, the Mothers of the Believers, were co-wives subhanAllah. As we know, Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala does not place a burden on a Believer that they cannot bear, so if He chooses polygyny for you, you best believe that you can handle it, as long as you trust in Him.

An excerpt the book Polygynous Blessings: Musings of a Muslim Wife

by MizAzeez (Aneesa Azeez) Purchase here

Submissions needed for two upcoming anthologies entitled To Protect and Maintain: Muslim Men Speak on Their Role as Polygynous Husbands and Growing Up Polygynous: Children’s Reflections Want to contribute> Click here